is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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