there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
