I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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