4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
