I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
