im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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