I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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