I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
