I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
