12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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