smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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