I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
