Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
