well I can't set my house on fire every night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
