Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
