She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
