so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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