Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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