Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
