You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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