Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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