Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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