I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
