The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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