He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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