dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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