Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
