3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
