I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
