Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
