We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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