Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
