Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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