after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
