i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
