Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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