Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
