Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
