break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
