i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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