apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Randomize
