can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
