My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
