What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Duck Duck Cougar?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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