my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
