omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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