this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
