Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
