You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize