and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
