You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
tell me about the eggs
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