Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
