You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
