I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think my moral compass just broke
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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