Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
