I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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