my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
