im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
