I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
