apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
