Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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