When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I AM VODKA MAN
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
