We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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