i just google imaged poop.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
