you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
