shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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