fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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