Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
