I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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