Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
