Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
