angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
