i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
