dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They took my balls.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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