i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
