Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
