Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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