That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
