just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
