Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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