i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
