Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
