i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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